The Emotions of Caregiving

By Robin Bush, ISR Communications

Caregiving for a loved one can produce unanticipated emotions.  Understanding these is the first step to mapping a better course for your life as a caregiver.

You may feel Resentment

You may resent the person you care for when their needs force you to change your life, stop working, pay their expenses, compromise your relationships, and more.  You may also resent others, perhaps siblings, if they don’t step up to help as needed.  Try venting in a journal or with a confidant.  Exercise also helps to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone responsible for many chronic conditions in caregivers.

You may feel Angry

Most caregivers suffer from lack of sleep, some experience depression or anxiety, and when frustration builds above a tolerable point, it can explode as anger. Even simple events like underserved criticism from the person you care for, or spills or accidents that you need to clean up after may lead you to anger. Anger has a significant impact on the health of the person you care for as well as your own, resulting in headaches, digestive disorders, and even heart disease and health attacks.  Try deep breathing techniques to reduce anger.  Repeat, “Let it go; it’s OK.”  Or belly laugh. Many health professionals believe belly laughing has profound positive effects on health.

You may feel Guilty

You may feel that what you are doing is not enough, that you ought to do more, or that you should do or feel differently.  Try asking yourself if what you are doing can be “good enough” rather than expecting what you are doing to be perfect.  If your intentions are good but your resources, time, or skills are limited, you need to accept that you are doing what you can the best you can.

You may Worry

Worrying over what could happen in the future to the person you are caring for or to yourself can disturb your sleep, produce headaches and stomach aches, and impact eating.  When you try shifting your attention to what you can do to help prevent what you are worrying about.  Try talking to someone (friends or a professional) who can help you accept the unknown before your worry becomes an obsession.

You may feel Lonely

Caregiving can be isolating.  Caregiving can prevent you from doing things you used to do.  Your social circle shrinks.  Isolation can impact your brain health and lead to overeating and overuse of alcohol or other substances.  Try making dates with friends. Start with one a week.  If you can’t go out due to the needs of the person you care for, ask them to come to you.  Try joining a support group (in person or online) to talk with others in similar circumstances.

You may feel Grief

You may grieve the loss of a loved one long before they pass away.  They aren’t by your side today in the way they always were, and your love and friendship feel diminished or gone.  Their declining health can be a long process.  It is important to allow yourself to feel this sadness and to talk about it with your loved one, if possible, or talk with a grief counselor, pastor, or support group.  Try to find ways to get out and do things unrelated to caregiving so that when your loved one is no longer with you, you will not have lost your independent interests.

You may feel Defensive

Sometimes, others will say things about your caregiving and suggest there is a better way, which feels like criticism.  You may resist the suggestion of a new approach even if it might help you.  Instead of discarding new ideas, recognize their attempt is well-intentioned.  New ideas are not a criticism of you.  Their focus and yours are both on your loved one, so take a moment to consider if their idea could produce a better outcome. 

The writings of Paula Spencer Scott,  wellness, brain health, and family-care specialist, inspired this article.  See www.paulaspencerscott.com